I am a racist to my own identity…

I have intentionally erased and devalued my origin because of my negative perceptions of the war .

I situated myself as the otherness-self who became perceived as an outsider from my cultural identity.

I realized that by avoiding my cultural heritage, I was unknowingly practicing internalized racism which occurred because of the war oppression and systematic racism that my country had granted my childhood.

War in Lebanon has uprooted me from my roots. I decided to leave its space and immigrate to Canada. I was too shy to speak my mother tongue language in front of people, I was ashamed, and I was without an identity.

War took away my happy childhood…

War was very noisy to my ears…

War was very scary…

War made me hide in shelters and be away from home.

War is darkness, I hated it…

The only way out is being outside my country, being inside of me…

War showed me darkness to explore the unknown, but I didn’t give it attention because I was scared.

In the end, I gave it my attention and it was not scary, it was home, it was me, it was my identity.

An unlimited spaceless space that has no name, no border, no noise…

A vast silent space…

Slowly I woke up from my traumatized war, I started regaining back my identity, I started listening to Arabic music and speaking Arabic with my friends.

I was addressing my internalized racism by being self-aware, practicing self-reflection, and embracing my own identity with pride.

Racism begins with internalized biases, and stereotypes that we hold about ourselves. These internalized beliefs can influence attitudes, behaviors, and interactions, leading to systemic racism within the larger society.

To dismantle racism, we should heal internalized racism, so it won’t transmit like a virus to the entire society. We should educate and open safe spaces for students to self-reflect to issues of racism.

I healed my internalized racism through yoga, art, and education.